WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
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My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.