daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day