I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
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Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat