DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
You Might Also Like
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I triple waxed for this?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.