12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
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I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Put this video in the Louvre
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
LA today:
a fate I wish upon no one
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?