Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
You Might Also Like
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh