INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
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Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Me recordaron éste meme
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”