Florida man
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i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.