I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
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who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
good let them take over I have had enough
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Bond. Trauma bond.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing