If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
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[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
apparently this year was written by stephen king
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.