Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
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Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Social distancing in Australia:
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING