When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
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Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.