[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
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Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.