I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
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interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.