Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
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My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
This bar smells like my childhood.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better