Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
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[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.