Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
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My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Proctology is located in A55
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!