I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
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the red hot silly peppers
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.