told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
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*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Science memes
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT