[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
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Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
courtroom exchange of the day
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.