Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
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Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit