*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
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Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?