Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
You Might Also Like
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
you will never know the true number of layers
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”