5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
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Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
constantly working on myself.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂