just got my engagement photos
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While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out