If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
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if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner