Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
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Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
PLOT TWIST:
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t