I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
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My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
any last words?
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂