When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
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My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.