Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
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*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
When you’re here for the treats.
cat vs inanimate object
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.