I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
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7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers