[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
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One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
no
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
This made me chuckle.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza