Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
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I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang