[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
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The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
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Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
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Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
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[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
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You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
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You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
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