I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
emergency phone
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it