[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.