I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
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all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Maths meets science
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type