My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
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If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.