I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
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They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
🏙👨🏼
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.