My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
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Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.