Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
The devil.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Oh hi lol
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
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Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Beware of fowl play.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*