2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
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Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.