“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
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One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[montage of me giving-up]
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel