Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
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My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
😆this is so true
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.