Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
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Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*