[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
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Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…