[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
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Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!