KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
You Might Also Like
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Had to try this trend 😊
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?