Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
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I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.