[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
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Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
saving face 👀
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
wait.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume